Category: Numbtastic

We need a recall election for whoever is in charge of weather. There have been severe thunderstorms and massive downpours every day for well over a week now. Everything is moist and, even when it’s not raining, my clothes get that unwashed stuck-to-the-skin feeling just from sitting around the house. All the carpets in the house feel perpetually cold and damp underneath my feet and the edges of my particleboard office desk are starting to curl.

We need a break…where the heck is our standard New England fare of 103 degrees and bright sun?

Ten years ago the television was used as a virtual babysitter to keep kids quiet. Now, according to Teen Research Unlimited, the Web has officially replaced television as the instant babysitter in a box. For the most part, parents have absolutely no idea what goes on when their kids are on the Web and, due to their ignorance, do not properly train their child in proper Webiquette (wow, i just pulled that word out of my ass).
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Problem: you’ve renovated your house and you have all sorts of nasty things that need to get thrown out. Solution: rent a huge dumpster to toss everything into! Problem: the disposal company refuses (ha, I made a pun) to take the dumpster after the spare oil tank has been tossed into it! Solution: rent the loudest piece of portable machinery possible to generate as many sparks as possible around a leaking oil tank, chop it up into little bits and throw it away one chunk at a time! Pure genius! I only wish I had had the balls to toss all of our renovation debris over the fence into their dumpster while it was still there…

Maybe if old bats weren’t so concerned about what their husbands were staring at, the world would be a better place.

I’m using iDVD3 to encode a bunch of DV movies while listening to iTunes. As an added benefit, all of my MP3 and AAC files sound like scratched poppy vinyl while iDVD3 is crunching away doing its thing. Glorious! I feel like I’m at a rave…

Sometimes having ADHD and an extremely short attention span is a blessing. On the way home this evening someone did the most incredibly boneheaded thing to me on the highway. I was so enraged in the car that I spent most of the drive home attempting to poetically describe the zoomtard in the utmost of detail but, just before my exit, another person managed to accomplish a slightly less boneheaded maneuver and I promptly forgot about the first encounter that I was so pissed off about. I can now only remember that I’m pissed off, but I don’t remember why.

So, let me get this straight, you expect kids to eat mutated hotdogs that have been pulled from an octopus’ ass? I won’t even go into the Freudian aspect of this.

I lied. I will. It’s bad enough that these things look like sex toys, but the resulting product appears to be a chunk of flesh leftover from a horrible accident involving a chipper shredder. Add ketchup and you’re good for an ER reenactment!

Would you like some Whore Presents? Or maybe some Power Genitalia. If all else fails, go for an Expert Sex Change!